He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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