end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
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