I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
