Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
