all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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