chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it's like iHOP with fire
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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