jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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