my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
