I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
