I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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