I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
