That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
