Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
