im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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