Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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