You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
