Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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