do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
