I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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