Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
