Only a mothe r could love this liver
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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