You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
