You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
