how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
