is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
