my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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