Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
