i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
