glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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