I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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