My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
