seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
