Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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