Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
