It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
