I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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