I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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