***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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