So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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