Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
