I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
