i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
