How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't deserve a penis
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
