happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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