If that was your dad, he is hot
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
