What a fucking waste of an outfit
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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