You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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