I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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