I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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