Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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